Fluffy the Magnificent!

Oh look, that kooky creepy cretin Adam Gadahn (AKA “Azzam al Ameriki”) is back with some all new awful and awesome al Qaida terrorizing tapes. Or something. So I’m, like you know, all terrified n’stuff.  Yaaawn.

In a 39-minute video, Gadahn praised the death of Libya’s U.S. Ambassador Chris Stevens – and urged wealthy Muslims to offer militants rewards so they can kill others, according to a jihadist monitoring group. Specifically, he referenced a bounty set for the death of U.S. Ambassador to Yemen, Gerald Feierstein. Says Azzhat al Kaboom:

“These prizes have a great effect in instilling fear in the hearts of our cowardly enemies…They also encourage hesitant individuals to carry out important and great deeds in the path of Allah,”

Zat so?? Earth to Azzam al Kazoo. You’re oars ain’t in the water here dude.

• First off, lose the cheesy accent. You were raised in the U.S. – If you think a fake funky accent makes you sound frightening or something… eh, not so much. Same with the wild and wacky hand gestures. Intimidating? Nope, inane.
• Also, I notice all your Jihad-buds have wiry, gnarly beards that look like they could grind the chrome off a bumper hitch. Yours on the other hand is…well… kinda fluffy. And on your pudgy face it makes you look like Azzam al Teddy Bear. Just sayin’. The intimidation shtick just ain’t happenin’ dude.

Sorry Fluffy, you ain’t Azzam al nothin’. You’re little Adam Pearlman, from a hog farm in Oregon. Pearlman is Jewish of course – tribe of Manasseh, if memory serves. Your dad took the name Gadahn – after “Gideon” from the Old Testament Judges who was famous for killing Midianites, Amalikites and assorted Canaanites – i.e. he killed and drove out Arabic peoples from the Holy Land some 1500 years before Mohammad was born.

So you were raised and home schooled Christian, but had no friends, weren’t athletic or good at anything – and let’s face it – not the sharpest tool in the shed – introverted, insecure and kind of pudgy and the girls ignored you and laughed at you – so you found Death Metal – that delightful genre with out-of-tune head banging guitars and screaming slasher-style violent lyrics covering the gamut from Satanism to mutilation, dissection, torture, rape, cannibalism, necrophilia and other assorted depravity. So you got your head bangin’ band going but you were still depressed – because after all just screaming about death and debauchery just ain’t the same as doing it for real, is it Fluffy? So now you’re a world famous Jihadi terrorist dude with a gnarly name, a couple under-aged wives you can smack around and abuse, and you think you’re terrifying or something.

Well, sorry, here’s the deal, Fluffy…

1. Your buds know you have Isaac and Jacob’s blood in your veins – and they hate you – but you’re a useful tool and a fool.

2. They’re smart enough to know you’ve abandoned, sold out and betrayed your heritage, your faith, your family, your country and everything else in your pathetic life – and sooner or later you’ll betray them.

3. You and your cretinous clowns’ martyr shtick is a joke. Nothing brave about blowing yourself up, Fluffy. Consider just a couple notable Muslims from days gone by:

Husayn ibn Ali – grandson of Muhammad fought tyranny and refused to pledge allegiance to Yazid. In 680, he and a small group of only about 72 of followers and family, fought a large army. Husayn and all of his men were killed and beheaded.

Suleiman the Magnificent – longest reigning Sultan of the Ottoman Empire led the empire to the apex of its military, political and economic power. Suleiman personally led Ottoman armies in conquering the Christian strongholds of Belgrade, Rhodes, and most of Hungary. He annexed much of the Middle East and large areas of North Africa as far west as Algeria. Under his rule, the Ottoman fleet dominated the seas from the Mediterranean to the Red Sea and through the Persian Gulf. Suleiman personally instituted major legislative changes relating to society, education, taxation, and criminal law. His canonical law fixed the form of the empire for centuries after his death; and he became overseer of the “Golden” age of the Ottoman Empire in artistic, literary and architectural development.

See Fluffy, the difference is real conquerers ride into battle at the head of their armies – against overwhelming opposition – believing in their hearts Allah is with them, so they will either conquer or be martyred. That is what “instills fear in the hearts of their enemies” – and that is what encourages, empowers and emboldens “hesitant individuals to carry out important and great deeds in the path of Allah.”

Meanwhile you and your pal Silly Osama hide like children in caves and comfy compounds – commanding others to fight and die – and now imploring still others to give them some cash? That would make you mercenaries, Fluffy, not Soldiers of Allah and Jihadists. You really believe people will be willing to lay down their lives for some cash but without genuine faith or visionary leadership? If the 1.5 bill Muslims in the world had a Suleiman, they’d rock the planet. They have Azzhat al Fluffy. Yaaawn.

 

Suleiman the Magnificent. Note turbo turbine!